Then Van Zyl chooses a color scheme. “I’m a sucker for cheap and cheerful Kryolan makeup, because its outdated theatrical aesthetic makes me feel like a true old queen,” he says. A clown-white base coats the face before Van Zyl blends and tops the May your coffee be stronger than your daughter’s attitude shirt look with powdery blue contours. Graphic details around the eyes and neck are mapped with a brush-tipped eyeliner similar to NYX Epic Wear Eye & Body Liquid Liner. White setting powder locks in the final lines and doubles as a way of “highlighting the kind of brighter areas of the face” for a photo-ready finish strong enough to withstand the level of sweat that wearing a skintight waterproof suit inevitably invites. Rather than worrying too much about “lockdown DIY grooming,” he frames his face with faux swirls of hair and puts on a little hat. Taking the final masterpiece off is its own process. “Because my face tends to be a crust of stubborn greasepaint, superglue, and prosthetic residue by the time I get home, I have to drunkenly steam myself in a boiling shower before I use Kryolan Make-Up Remover to dissolve all the gunk into a slurry that can then be removed with something tried and tested like Cetaphil Gentle Cleanser,” says Van Zyl.